smilepg2

Smile!!- Please

Resume Mistakes

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Examples of Typos

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

I'm a rabid typist.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest branch division.

Never made it to medical school

Kunal’s application to medical school was rejected; these are the answers he gave:
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - the study of fine paintings
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria
Bowel - letters like AEIOU
Cardiology - advanced study of Poker playing
Cat Scan - searching for missing kitty
Coma - punctuation mark
Cortisone - area around local court
Cyst - short for sister
Dislocation - in this place
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans
Enema - not a friend
False Labor - pretending to work
Genes - blue denim
Hymen - greeting to several males
Impotent - well-known
Obesity - City of Obe
Pacemaker - winner of the Nobel Peace Prize
Protein - in favor of teens
Pus - small cat
Secretion - hiding anything
Subcutaneous - not cute enough
Tablet - small table
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - very close

Real Responses to Interview Questions

A lot of people know how to write a resume and talk their way into an interview. But when they get into the make or break dialogue, they stumble upon tough questions. Below, is some advice on approaching the tough questions that interviewers like to throw at job applicants:

Why did you leave your last job?
Real answer: It sucked.
What you should say: I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.

What are your biggest weaknesses?
Real answer: I can't concentrate for more than five minutes hate all forms of authority and tend to fall asleep at my desk.
What you should say: I'm a workaholic. I just don't know when to put down my work.

You don't seem to hold on to a job along. Why should we think you’d stay here any longer than you've stayed elsewhere?
Real answer: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only competent employees.
What you should say: I'm at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.

How do you handle change?
Real answer: I deal with it everyday, unless I'm out of clean underwear.
What you should say: I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.

How do you get along with others?
Real answer: Fine, as long as they stay out of my face.
What you should say: I think the interpersonal dynamics of the workplace can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.

What does the word success mean to you?
Real answer: It means that I don't have to drag my sorry ass out of bed to kiss yours.
What you should say: Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.

What does the word failure mean to you?
Real answer: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance.
What you should say: Failure? I'm sorry; I don't know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.

Do you get along with your current boss?
Real answer: I get along fine, considering what kind of a malicious person he is.
What you should say: I don't think I'd call him a boss; he's been more of a mentor to me.

Do you ever get angry with co-workers?
Real answer: I don't get angry. I get even.
What you should say: Nothing angers me more than to see a co-worker not pulling his weight, goofing off or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with co-workers.

Can I contact your references?
Real answer: Sure, but they won't know who I am.
What you should say: Some of them are out of the country right now. Maybe I can arrange to have them contact you.

Anagrams

Anagrams are the words made from rearranging the letters in another word. These were particularly clever:

Dormitory: Dirty Room
Evangelist: Evil's Agent
Desperation: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: Cash Lost in 'em
A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
Keep Smiling...........

I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

A vacuum sales man appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said,"If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody

wears shoes here!"

Customer gets a topical cream. Direction: apply locally two times a day.
Customer says to the pharmacist: "I can't apply locally, I'm going overseas."

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

I got a job in a work-out-center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Chemistry is physics without thought.
Mathematics is physics without purpose.

Resume Bloopers

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

EMPLOYER'S LINGO:

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

EMPLOYEE'S LINGO:

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

· An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

· An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

· A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.

· An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.

· A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

Some Riddles

How many Psych NPs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

Did you hear about the two podiatrists? They were arch rivals.

Success is...

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.

Some people are so determined to find blissful happiness that they overlook a lifetime of contentment.

"It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and made things happen." - Elinor Smith

Words to live by:

Chinese Proverb: Happiness Quotations
If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.

"People's behavior makes sense if you think about it in terms of their goals, needs, and motives." - Thomas Mann

"Did you know that the Chinese symbol for 'crisis' includes a symbol which means 'opportunity'? - Jane Revell & Susan Norman

George Carlin's Reflections on Life: (just a few)

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

PharmaDiversity Featured Employers

Watson Pharmaceuticals